* Trigger Warning: This blog post contains abuse.
On March 23, 2013, at the age of 25, I walked into the police station of my hometown to report what had happened to me 10 years earlier. You can read about my story here.
After filing a report with the police department, the next 3 years would be a roller coaster of emotions—wiretapping my phone calls to my abuser so he could admit what was done to me, watching the media write articles entitled “Man Suspected of Sexual Assault in York County Captured in South Carolina,” testifying at the preliminary hearing, learning that my abuser could fight extradition, and learning that there was another victim that was abused as well, but this time a young child.
I didn’t have someone in my corner advocating for me like I wish I did. I trusted blindly, and even though I felt supported by the district attorney’s office at times, I often did not. Frequently, I felt like another case, another face.
The YWCA offers support and services for victim-survivors and their loved ones.
This blog post will review what was said and done regarding my case. By sharing these details and my experience, my hope is this will help someone else reach out for help, get support, and utilize their local rape crisis center if needed.
Knowledge is power, and having a voice is vital to your healing journey.
District Attorney Experience
I am an avid Law & Order girl, but when it’s your life, it’s very different. It’s your story, your pain, and your experiences.
Experiencing a crime is bad enough, and then having to relive it is even worse.
I have always said that I experienced the crime physically as a child but emotionally as an adult.
This is my experience of my abuse as an adult.
During the court process, I didn’t know there was a local rape crisis center that could possibly be an advocate and help me navigate it all.
I often went to meetings with the detective, district attorney, and victim witness with my then-boyfriend. Yes, my then-boyfriend was there, but he wasn’t allowed in the room with me. It was just me and them.
I was asked the same questions multiple ways, and I understand why they do this. They need to know your story and what happened, but I was also asked if I was still a virgin before I was abused. Questions like these are inappropriate and can be hurtful to the survivor. I thought the question was odd, but I answered honestly; before I was abused, I was.
When my phone was wired-tabbed to call my abuser, the county detective and local detective were talking about cars at a local auction.
I was just sitting, thinking, “I’m about ready to call a man I haven’t spoken with in years, and you guys are talking about cars! F*** Cars!”
“We should go over what to say or how to get me not to freak out right now.”
As I sat there, the assistant district attorney finally looked at me and asked if I was okay.
I honestly wanted to say, “No, I’m scared,” but all I could say was ” I’m okay.”
During one of my meetings with the district attorney’s office, I requested a meeting to find out why my abuser was still not in Pennsylvania. His other criminal case had already ended in South Carolina at this point.
As I walked into the meeting, I was fully expecting it to be Mr. M, who had previously been assigned my case from the district attorney’s office. But I was meant with a different assistant district attorney.
Quickly, I learned then that I had a new assistant district attorney assigned to me, which would have been helpful information to know because my case is resting in their hands. I already had my trust violated by my abuser, I didn’t want it violated again by the system.
Again this information seems so small to some, but for a survivor, communication is key and can help them feel supported during this process.
During this period in my life, I was candid that there were inappropriate photos of me taken by my abuser, and for some reason, the detective never got a search warrant for the pictures. Like ever!
In fact, I learned later on when my abuser wanted to take a plea deal, the sexual abuse of children charge had to be dropped. They never got the photos because they thought I had them.
I never said I did. My abuser had them.
I had to drop the charge that mattered most to me because a warrant was never gotten.
I will always wonder where those photos are and pray that the abuser is telling the truth that they were destroyed.
Finally, after my abuser took a plea deal IDSI would require him to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life on Megan’s Law. Later I learned that even after he maxed his sentence out in prison in Pennsylvania, and refused sex offender treatment while in prison, he can just move to another state and get off the registry.
Yes, you read that correctly my abuser now lives in the state of North Carolina and, after 10 years, will come off the registry even after all of the years of abuse his other victim and I endured.
So after serving 8 years in prison, having two victims, one a very young child, he will someday be allowed to have contact and be around children again!
I will say the district attorney’s office did acknowledge that someone should have told me this, and just because someone is a sex offender in one state, it doesn’t mean that will continue in another state.
Rape Crisis Centers
This blog post was in no way to bash the district attorney’s office, the detective assigned, or anyone involved in my case.
It’s to shed light on victim survivors and my experience. Not everyone has this experience. Some survivors have great experiences and some survivors choose not to come forward, and that’s okay.
I know for me personally, I couldn’t move forward with my life without coming forward, and even 10 years later I don’t regret that decision.
I regret not being informed of the support available to me.
The Lancaster YWCA offers the following support:
- Medical Advocacy For Sexual Assault Forensic Exams “SAFE”
- Free and confidential counseling
- Attending criminal and legal meetings
- Sexual assault prevention
- 24 hotline
Many local rape crisis centers offers these supports as well. If you are looking for your local rape crisis center, click here.
I pray this post blessed you, and if you are a survivor, know that there is help available.
You are never alone.
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Blessings,
Ashley Marie
Here are a few other blog posts for you to, explore:
7 Tips To Start To Heal From Sexual Abuse
