*This blog post discusses abandonment issues and addiction.
I looked at my therapist as tears rolled down my face, tasting the saltiness of each tear as it fell. As the tears fell, so did the words I was trying to say: “If I had a mom, this wouldn’t have happened to me.”
If my biological mother raised me, I would have known that there was something medically wrong with me. I wouldn’t have had to dig into my past medical records only to find out there were documented concerns with my organs! I wouldn’t search for her criminal record or find articles about her in the York Daily Record!
I would have had a mom as the tears continued to fall.
Abandonment Wounds
Knowing something and feeling something are two different things. I always knew there was a difference between being a mom and being a mother, but this day felt different.
That day in my counselor’s office, I felt abandoned again by my mother. I felt the difference between having a mom and not having a mother that day.
If you are reading this, chances are you either had an absent parent, either physically or emotionally. Either way, you felt abandoned, and I don’t say that lightly.
I’m sorry you felt that way.
If you want to heal from your abandonment wound, this blog post is for you.
How Abandonment Affects You
Abandonment issues can affect you in different ways, but here are a few ways this trauma presents itself:
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Isolation `
- Shame/Guilt
These are just a few ways your body and mind cope with abandonment trauma. You can read more about how abandonment affects you here.
Now that we know how our bodies and our minds cope with abandonment trauma, let’s look at healthy ways to cope with this trauma.
Coping With Abandonment Trauma
There are different ways to cope with abandonment trauma, but here are just a few ways to cope for someone this wound affected.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings & “Feel The Feels”
Acknowledging your feelings can sometimes feel like the hurt is being caused all over again, but once you start to recognize you have been hurt and feel those feelings, you are on the road to starting to heal the wound.
It’s tempting to ignore your feelings by focusing your energy on other areas of life like work, sports, etc., but this only masks the issue for so long. Eventually, it will come back up again.
2. Talk Someone Like A Therapist Or Friend
Therapy or talking to someone you trust is a great way to discuss your feelings and see if there are any patterns in your life that you are continuing to repeat due to your abandonment wound.
I know I had patterns I was repeating in my life—for example, not trusting people, hyper-independence, and high anxiety.
3. Find Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Finding healthy coping mechanisms is essential when you have an abandonment wound.
Here are a few examples of healthy coping mechanisms:
- Self-Care: Self-care is a great way to connect with yourself and focus on what brings you joy.
- Creative Time: Create things you enjoy, whether art journaling, painting, or other creative activities. Express your feelings through your art.
I have a few close friends with whom I talk about my concerns, and for self-care, you can always find me journaling or doing gymnastics.
Regarding my creative time, I like to write, so I will likely write another blog post or a piece for my writing class.
4. Grow Your Self-Worth
Even though someone has abandoned you, that doesn’t mean you are unlovable.
When I was young, I used to think that if I did well at school or gymnastics, my mom would become a mother. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
I realized that even though she didn’t pick me up, I didn’t need her to. I could love myself (AKA build my self-worth) without her.
Here are a few suitable self-worth activities for you to try.
- Positive affirmations: What we say to ourselves matters, and the words we speak aloud affect our thoughts and patterns.
- Self-care: Self-care is a great way to realize your self-worth. It allows you to enjoy yourself and care for yourself, something you have probably missed out on for so long.
- Boundaries: Setting boundaries is so important when you have felt abandoned. It allows you to build self-esteem.
- Spend Time With Your People: Spend time with people who bring you joy and happiness and know your worth.
5. Work Towards Forgiveness (But You Don’t Have to Forget)
Forgiveness is a big one. It allows you to stop serving a sentence on a crime you didn’t commit. It will enable you to acknowledge what happened and give yourself the grace to move on.
That doesn’t mean the person who has abandoned you gets off the hook or gets full access to your life; it just means you allow yourself to move forward.
I recently read a book about a woman who wrote all her hurts on rocks and threw them in a creek. This was such a fun and healing idea.
So, you may need your rock-throwing day.
A great book on forgiveness is Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. I worked through this book after my medical diagnosis. The journal that goes along with the book is AMAZING. You can purchase both here through my Amazon Storefront. I do collect commission off each sale.
Conclusion
Abandonment isn’t something anyone should go through, especially by a parent. Unfortunately, we can’t change our past, but we can change our future and how we heal from the past.
I pray that these five tips helped you and blessed you.
Blessings,
Ashley Marie
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Blessings,
Ashley Marie
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