If you’ve ever been through heartbreak, you know that it can change us. Some can start dating again quickly, while others have a fear of dating again that paralyzes them.
When attempting to date after heartbreak, the anxiety is so overwhelming, it can even make some people physically ill. The idea of possibly experiencing that level of pain again is just gut-wrenching, and you want to flee as fast as you can.
If you’ve ever been in that situation, hi girl, I’m Ashley, and I have been there, too.
This hurt can be even worse if you are recovering from a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship can cause you to not trust yourself, fear dating again, or be afraid of commitment altogether.
I never had this level of fear before, until I walked through the worst heartbreak of my life.
My Heartbreak Story
I was 29 years old, dreaming of my wedding and having all of the pins perfectly figured out on Pinterest. But instead of making sure those pins matched my real life wedding, I was pinning my brokenhearted funeral. I was a baby Christian back then, so I thought he had to be “the one.”
We discussed getting married, and when he responded to the text saying, “not necessarily,” I knew it was over. “Not necessarily” isn’t the response you give someone when you ask them, “you don’t want to marry me, do you”?
If you are recovering from your own heartbreak, here is a blog post for you.
When you are feeling broken-hearted, I want to remind you of Psalm 34:18:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
I tried dating again, but I had developed a dating fear that caused me to struggle with trusting myself again because if I picked someone that was able to tell me “not necessarily,” who else was I capable of picking in the future?
But to make the situation worse, along with my broken heart, was my broken spirit.
3 Things To Know While Trying To Date Again
Trust Your Instincts In Relationships
Trusting your instincts in relationships is where I personally went wrong.
I brushed off the big or missed the red flags. I always say they look like daisies at first.
The poor reaction they had to a day at work or to a conversation that didn’t go as planned.
Having them miss an important event because they decided they wanted to do something else first.
When you’ve told them something bothers you, they continue to violate your boundary.
If you need a great book on boundaries, Boundaries and Goodbyes is AMAZING. And if you need other recommendations, you can check out my Amazon storefront. (When you’re using my link and if you decide to purchase, I do get a commission off each sale, just so you are aware.)
When They Tell You Who They Are Believe Them
The red flags are still red flags in the beginning of the relationship, even though they may look like daisies.
I was in a women’s support group when I told them a phrase that was said to me by my now ex. The words that came out of my mouth, came out with such ease and had the whole group gasping, but not in a good way. Without skipping a beat, I tried to reassure them he just was struggling to understand what I went through.
Unfortunately, this type of behavior would continue. It became a pattern. My now ex was showing me who he really was, I just didn’t believe him.
When you are dating someone and then when they tell you who they are, believe them.
Observing behavior is so important, especially in multiple situations. It allows you to really get a feel of the person.
This would include how they treat their mother, how they interact with people, especially people in need; and how they handle stress.
You know the old saying, “Watch how they treat others because that’s how they will treat you.”
After ending my toxic relationship, the number of people who told me things I wasn’t aware of on how my ex treated people really bothered me. And now it’s a red flag I look out for.
About a year ago, I was seeing someone, nothing serious, but I saw some red flags that I was just observing.
The way he talked about his ex-wife, his neighbor, and how he talked about his career, and how he was the best candidate for the job all while making sure he talked not so highly of others.
I was observing behavior that didn’t sit well with me, and during our last date, he brought up a situation and I pointed out that he would never talk to me like that, and he never did, because things ended only a few days later.
So, observe behavior and take mental notes if you need to.
And, remember how they treat others will be how they treat you.
If you are questioning yay or nay to your current relationship, I have the perfect sheet for you.
Being fearful of dating, especially after a toxic relationship, can be challenging, but with the right tools and things to look out for can help you with your fear of dating and set you up for a successful relationship.
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